30s Blues

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?

I just turned 30. Yes, I'm officially getting old. This year, I spent my birthday at the hospital where my Mom was laying on her bed there for recovery, which reminds me back in the days when my late sister was suffering from Meningitis about 2 years ago, exactly on the same sad month, October. I was paranoid when she got there cause I know what is like to lose someone I love so dearly. However, my Mom's doctors said her health is improving so I'm less worried for now.

I looked at my Mom sleeping peacefully while I was sitting comfy on the couch. I remember she used to take care of me when I was a little girl, but now that I've grown up, things have turned the other way around. Somehow all those memories of 30 years kept flashing on my mind for quite a while. I came to realize that my entire life has always been about someone else which makes me feel kinda tired. In spite of it all, their happiness makes me happy. Then, these questions suddenly popped up at the back of my head. Who am I, really? Am I who I wanna be? What do I want in life? What have I achieved so far?

Unfortunately, I haven't got the answers yet. One thing I know for sure, I can't turn back the time. What's done is done and there is absolutely no point to regret it. I wonder what's the future is gonna be like, though. To be honest, I'm a bit scared. I guess time will tell..